Day 1010

Today is Sunday the 16th of June, 2013. 33 days since I landed here in England. 51 days since Alex's second operation. 315 days since the Bad News. 294 days since I started university. And 1010 days since Alex and I started dating. Hopefully in the future I can look back at today and say that this was the day when things changed for the better. For the first time in weeks Alex showed me some sort of affection. Crazy, right? My own boyfriend showing me that he loves me? But all joking aside, it felt nice. I know he hasn't been well for weeks and has been in the hospital for 51 days, so it's understandable if he isn't the same Alex who would say things like:

 ' Alexxanderr ' says: (5:30:05 PM) love me still? 

 Elizabeth says: (5:30:20 PM) forever and always! 

 ' Alexxanderr ' says: (5:30:30 PM) i'll keep you to that 

 Elizabeth says: (5:30:37 PM) and you? 

 ' Alexxanderr ' says: (5:30:51 PM) i'll see your forever and always and raise you 

 Elizabeth says: (5:31:11 PM) hahaha wow. cheesy much? 

 ' Alexxanderr ' says: (5:31:16 PM) haha 

' Alexxanderr ' says: (5:31:19 PM) i just thought of it 

 Elizabeth says: (5:31:27 PM) my little gambler 

 Alexxanderr ' says: (5:31:32 PM) ;) 

 ' Alexxanderr ' says: (5:31:40 PM) only on sure bets

 But it's still hard to be so far away from home (5341 miles away to be exact, hence the title of this blog) and to not receive much affection. So it was a miracle this morning when Alex and I woke up and I asked him if he wanted anything and, instead of saying a glass of water as usual, he said a kiss. Hands down the sweetest moment since when I first got here and saw the look of complete surprise and elation on his face.

We spent the rest of the day laughing and joking. If you could forget the fact that we're in a hospital and he is still sick, it was almost like old times. For the first time, I didn't feel as sad as I've felt the last 33 days. 

Sometimes when I was really sad I'd replay the First Day. The fear and excitement I felt as my mom drove to the airport. I was afraid he wasn't going to like the real life me. I was afraid he wouldn’t think I was pretty enough in person, or smart or funny enough or whatever. I was afraid we wouldn’t get along as well as we did online and that everything was a mistake. But the moment I saw him, all the anxiety disappeared.

Other times I'd replay the last good day together. It was a year and some months after the First Day. How it felt with my head resting on his strong chest and his muscular arms wrapped around me. When I was in high school, during class I’d daydream about falling asleep like that in his warmth. My favorite thing to do was to sneak looks at him while we were lying in bed watching TV. Sometimes I’d count the moles on his cheeks or wonder at how his eyes were so blue, but mostly I’d stare at him thinking how lucky I was to have him. How lucky I am to have him.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll get days like that again. If things go as well as they did today, I know I'll get days like that again.

But despite good days like this that can come and go, and I know it is kind of selfish, but sometimes I wish I could just disappear from the present and escape into the past. The past where he isn't sick and I'm not so sad all the time and where we were just happy and carefree. Things were so easy then. I wish things were like that now, but they’re not.

Sometimes I wonder if things will get easier. One can only hope.

But no matter what happens in our lifetimes, no matter what happens within our numbered days, I want him to know that I’m so lucky to love him, to have spent an infinity within an infinity with him.