(from a diary entry I wrote on May 18, 2013)
Three years ago, I never envisioned myself to be where I am now. Sitting on a cot in a hospital room thousands of miles away from home while the love of my life is lying in the bed next to me connected to drips and drains. If you said to me three years ago that this is where I would be right now, I wouldn't have believed you. I'd have said "Pfft, in three years I will be back at home in LA from university partying it up with my friends or with my new college boyfriend." If you told me this two years ago, I would've said you were crazy. I'd have said, "In two years, Alex and I will be sitting on a beach in LA." If you told me this last year, I'd have said, "No, Alex is perfectly fine. Next year he'll be helping me move out of my dorm and we will be on our way back to LA." The funny thing is, a lot can change in three years. Your whole life can change in three years. Sometimes it can lead to unexpected things that make your life much better. Other times, it can lead you down paths you never really wanted to walk. I can't say for sure where I'll be three years from now. I could be sitting in a beach house in Malibu. I could be sipping tea in London. I could be in a library in San Diego. But where I want to be is lying in bed with Alex, talking about whether we'll get burgers or a pizza for lunch. No problems. No worries. Just us. But three years is a long time. Your whole life can change in three years.
Sunday 2 June 2013
Firsts
(from a post I wrote on a different blog on September 28, 2012)
Firsts are a scary thing. The first time you get on that bike, you're afraid you're going to fall. On your first day of school, you're afraid of all the new things and new people. The first time you take a bite of that new exotic dish, you're afraid you're going to be throwing it up right after. However, life is and will always be full of firsts.
I am currently in my first year of college. I am also in my first serious relationship. It's also a long distance relationship. A very long distance relationship. 5341 miles to be exact. These things don't really go hand in hand, but so far, I've been able to make it work. Difficult? Yes. Worth it? Definitely.
Alex and I have been together for over two years now. We first met when I was 15 and he was 18. Now I'm the 18 year old and he is now 21. Despite the distance, he lives in England and I live in California, it's been able to work.
But today also marks the day of another first. Alex's first day of chemotherapy.
Like everyone else who is starting out at college for the first time, I have a lot to deal with. We're all worrying about being away from home for the first time, what we're going to eat when we run out of meal plan money, how long we can put off that Sociology essay, etc. While I'm juggling the typical woes of a college student, in the back of my mind is the knowledge that thousands of miles away, my boyfriend is suffering without me by his side.
You feel helpless. For the first time, you can't really do anything to help the situation. You can't even comfort him. You're an ocean away, how much can you do? All you can do is sit back and wait. The least you could do is just hold his hand, but you can't even give him that. You would love to be by the computer all day so you could talk him through everything, but you have class and homework and your extra curricular activities. You feel lost and alienated and all you want to do is run to him. But you can't because you're trapped here. You want to scream at the top of your lungs as to why this is happening. Why you? Why him? You feel as though you really must have upset someone upstairs previously or in other life or something.These questions are angrily bouncing around in your head while the whole time he is in his hospital bed begging for the nausea to pass so he can fall asleep for the first time in days.
Firsts are terrifying. Sometimes you just wish the first time would be the last. But sometimes, life doesn't always work like that.
Firsts are a scary thing. The first time you get on that bike, you're afraid you're going to fall. On your first day of school, you're afraid of all the new things and new people. The first time you take a bite of that new exotic dish, you're afraid you're going to be throwing it up right after. However, life is and will always be full of firsts.
I am currently in my first year of college. I am also in my first serious relationship. It's also a long distance relationship. A very long distance relationship. 5341 miles to be exact. These things don't really go hand in hand, but so far, I've been able to make it work. Difficult? Yes. Worth it? Definitely.
Alex and I have been together for over two years now. We first met when I was 15 and he was 18. Now I'm the 18 year old and he is now 21. Despite the distance, he lives in England and I live in California, it's been able to work.
But today also marks the day of another first. Alex's first day of chemotherapy.
Like everyone else who is starting out at college for the first time, I have a lot to deal with. We're all worrying about being away from home for the first time, what we're going to eat when we run out of meal plan money, how long we can put off that Sociology essay, etc. While I'm juggling the typical woes of a college student, in the back of my mind is the knowledge that thousands of miles away, my boyfriend is suffering without me by his side.
You feel helpless. For the first time, you can't really do anything to help the situation. You can't even comfort him. You're an ocean away, how much can you do? All you can do is sit back and wait. The least you could do is just hold his hand, but you can't even give him that. You would love to be by the computer all day so you could talk him through everything, but you have class and homework and your extra curricular activities. You feel lost and alienated and all you want to do is run to him. But you can't because you're trapped here. You want to scream at the top of your lungs as to why this is happening. Why you? Why him? You feel as though you really must have upset someone upstairs previously or in other life or something.These questions are angrily bouncing around in your head while the whole time he is in his hospital bed begging for the nausea to pass so he can fall asleep for the first time in days.
Firsts are terrifying. Sometimes you just wish the first time would be the last. But sometimes, life doesn't always work like that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)